Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
I’m sorry, but nothing is topping this 😭
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
I met a married woman today, she’s been married for 45 years . I asked her what’s the secret – how did they do it?
She said they the secret is that her and husband never wanted a divorce at the same time
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
