marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
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his wife is probably gonna see that
Friend: If you give it some deep thought—
Me: Let me stop you right there.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.