marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
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The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Frankly I don’t know why anybody of Biden or Trump’s age would *want* to be President. I’m 60 and I don’t even want to go upstairs.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!