marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
You Might Also Like
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
I noticed my mouse problem is back an I yelled at my cats for being lazy and not doing their job like I was in a Tom and Jerry cartoon
google is bad now but thats ok. i finished using search engines in 2017. looked everything up already
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now