Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*having an ultrasound*

dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..

patient: omg what!?

dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.

patient: intruder?

dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU

nurse: umm i think she is having twins?

dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.

I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.

A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.

been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊

I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.

So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.

If you don’t have personal demons, store bought is fine.

My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days

Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds

Friend: That just means it’s settling

My fiancee: *creaky sounds*

My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.

9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:

A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper

In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.

before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother

A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.

Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you

Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know

Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza

If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.

Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.

My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.

They’re his watch dogs.

People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are

Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am

I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.

If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.

Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.

Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁

If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?

I told my doctor I have a problem with my left ear.

“Are you sure?”

I replied, “Yeah, I’m definite.”

{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?

Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen

Are you dating a bunch of bees?