Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me

*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*

6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops

Stranger: nice to meet you

Me: give it time

Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?

If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely

Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth

I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?

Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040

Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.

Me: Why, do you hear laughter?

When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.

Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?

She’s fine she’s just an idiot.

I burn TV dinners every night so my husband thinks it’s “homemade”.

your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”

Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”

I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.

Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?

Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.

Customer: …

Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture

I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.

Talk to the patient about controlling their anger? There’s a bite taken out of my steering wheel I am the wrongest of candidates for this task

“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”

I needed this laugh 😂😂😂

CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!

ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?

I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.

I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.

NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike

[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]

PATIENT: *Opens one eye*

Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds

Friend: That just means it’s settling

My fiancee: *creaky sounds*

at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode

My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge

Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat

[before sex]

ME: Did you notice I waxed?

WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows

Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.

Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’

Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’

If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.