Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: you know what’s not cool?

13: *yelling from another room* YOU!

Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good

Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”

When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.

For when Tinder doesn’t work

Such a beautiful day I chose to walk instead of the bus. Job interview can start without me.

All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.

I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”

The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with

Yard reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”

I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

pizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less

Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.

Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?

People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie

A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.

Everyone else in the bar leaves.

A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory

If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out

Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.

War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.

Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked

“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”

~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion

It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!

Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:

Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.

8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”

– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me

Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.

Worst feelings:

1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help

If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.