Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
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Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.