North and South
You Might Also Like
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY