My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
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Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
lol
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man