MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
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It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
Here’s how I get my teen to text me back: I threaten to text his friends to tell him to text me back.
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My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
Steering date to cheaper “catch of the yesterday” on seafood menu.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
I unironically love this joke.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.