Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.

Ways I am superior to ducks:

1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts

2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family

3. Better Penmanship

4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)

Her: I need advice.

Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.

6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?

Me: You have the flu.

6: I’m sick, not dead.

At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.

“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants

i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.

I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.

“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”

Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.

Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.

I hunt* my own food.

*run down the street after the ice cream truck

Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.

[NASA March 1970]

Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?

NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!

[NASA April 1970]

[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]

[doing crossword]

Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: never

Me: pistol; three letters
Wife: gun

Me: disgust; three letters
Wife: ugh

Me: charity; four letters
Wife: give

Me: female sheep; three letters
Wife: ewe

Me: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up

[using a dust pan for the first time]

Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked

I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.

[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado

One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.

i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related

This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.

My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.

This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.

I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason

Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?

I was once killed by a shark escalator.

Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.

I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos

Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want

Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die

GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore

ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome