Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.

Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.

At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.

my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met

[First day as a hacker]

Boss: what’s taking so long?

Me: adobe needs updating

I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in

Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out

You are what you eat?

*eats Natalie Portman*

It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!

I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me

my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week

If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.

all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man

[inside a tornado]

Dad: wind’s really pickin up

Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”

Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”

With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.

“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12

After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is

Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?

Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.

The manager of this gym is looking at me like he’s never seen someone sit on weight bench to finish their hash-browns.

I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing

There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will

Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.

I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.

*when the villain in the movie has a PhD*

Viewers without a PhD: Ah, they are just saying he’s a smart villain. Makes sense.

Viewers with a PhD: Ah, grad school and academia drove him to madness. Makes sense.

“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”

“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”

“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”

My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.

[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?

Me in super frilly tux: Nope

*Dog walks in also wearing tux*

Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!

Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*