Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.

“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”

*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*

You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.

im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying

I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.

GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!

A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”

I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.

Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones

Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich

Me: …

If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.

WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?

SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN

I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.

[married people conversations]

Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?

Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

Wife: that’s it! thanks!

What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?

Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-

People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE

Meterologist: But science

People: NO

My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.

Me: What am I a pillow now?

Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.

I think we’re bonding.

I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding

I just got an email saying ‘At Google earth we can read maps backwards!’

I thought, “That’s just spam.”

#Google

I can’t be the only one 😂

Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.

I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER

My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.

Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.

The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.

There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.

I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me

If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.

me: i just don’t feel employable. no, beyond that. something is fundamentally broken or missing in me. i belong nowhere.

my landlord: Hey 😡👊 Don’t say that about my tenant 💔

[In emergency room]

mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?

dr. frankenstein: 75,000.

Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?

“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”

him: I love animals, especially dogs

me: *I could really like him*

him: birds too

me: *he’s dead to me*