Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“This cashier is a dipshit.”

– Me at self checkout

My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags

him: how long for a table

me: they’re about 5 ft across

him: no the wait

me: about 78 lbs

Where’s my employee discount too?

*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on

Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.

I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.

Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.

Had to submit my CV for something and they asked why there was a three month gap between finishing school and starting university lol

Intelligence:

Below average – Loves Joe Rogan

Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally

Above average – Despises Joe Rogan

Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan

Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week

My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.

I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.

Me when I hear gossip

How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?

ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask

Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.

PIGEON KID: I need to go bad

PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue

*after sex, in a British accent

“Please sir, may I have some more?”

*2 Knights on a Quest*

Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?

Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.

Elgon: Ha! They always say that!

Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?

Elgon:

Gawain: Elgon?

Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*

Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!

You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt

My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?

According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.

Is it because I’m brown??

Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.

Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.

For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”

My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?

I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.

[fire]

EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.

We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.

Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw