Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
You Might Also Like
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
plant them where lol
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.