Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who think it’s okay to drop by,

It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.

We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.

I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.

I really need a better nickname for her.

Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul

[the next jurassic park movie]

ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!

ME: Why do people keep coming here…?

I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…

*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*

If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.

I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”

i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery

Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog

God please let it be a hotdog

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.

*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*

You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.

WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?

Me watching recorded TV shows

I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her

Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.

Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.

“What is that the trees outside in the wind?”

– Me in bed, wondering what the sound of my dry crusty feet on my sheets is

He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh

$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.

No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.

What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?

I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)

Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.

I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming

Sorry, I can’t be around you today.

The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.

Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.

When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.

said in every police drama ever

– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin