Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?

Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.

I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.

goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical

Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.

Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.

[Mugshot photographer]

Me: now lets do a silly one

Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?

Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.

[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]

sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang

smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!

“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”

Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation

If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy

The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today

See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple

“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”

—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson

I’m in an aspiring artist Facebook group, and everyone shares paintings they’ve done of their kids but not usually the reference photos. Which is great, but I can’t tell if the kid’s just ugly or if the painter needs more practice.

It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.

Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.

Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed

Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?

Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic

Me: Any Costco requests?

Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.

The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.

Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.

burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh

Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.

My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about

[2 days into diet]

Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change

I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.

me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true

me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true

“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.

16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year