Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.

My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.

[First date]

Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.

Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount

PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?

ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.

Friend: What have you been watching lately?

Me: Zoom

me: my parents aren’t home

911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw

The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.

Trust my gut? The thing that tricks me into buying gas station sushi and roller dogs? No thanks.

POLICE OFFICER: Your name?

MAN: The Rock.

POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?

MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.

Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten

REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!

ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast

Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.

Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af

How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?

My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.

We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.

him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night

me: yeah they say most people do

him: but they’re usually asleep

me (crunching): semantics semantics

him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth

me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there

me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre

Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.

When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.

ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.

[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?

My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.

“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully

Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.

ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business

What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.

DHL: Hi! We popped by!
Me: No you didn’t
DHL: But there wasn’t anyone in!
Me: Yes there was
DHL: Would you like us to divert your parcel to a local service point?
Me: *Sigh* fine
DHL: Well we can’t!

My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.

I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves