Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do

kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them

If I die my ghost better come back and do some laundry so I have some clean sheets to wear

I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese

HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.

Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.

[To Police Sketch Artist]

Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”

Sketch Artist:…

Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”

Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.

~ my pants right now

Wife: I want a divorce.

Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.

My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.

A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order

Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.

Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*

Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*

Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?

Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond

Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.

5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.

Me: please tell me my future, madame

Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’

Me: awesome

Palm reader: in sharpie

Me: yeah

Palm reader: you’re going to die alone

[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga

7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.

[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]

Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?

Him: ya that’s fine!

*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*

Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe

Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.

When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.

My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.

Snots fired.

I’m in a very dark place right now.

Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?

thinking about my old neighbor that named their WiFi “your arms too short to box with god” and my other neighbor that named their WiFi “super long god boxing arms”

Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail

Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.

Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.

judge: what do you have to say for yourself

scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers

judge: oh damn

Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?

Dracula: I had to pull some strings

this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning