“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
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They must have gotten it to go.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Worth remembering.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.