“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
You Might Also Like
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Breaking news:
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
the secret to my success is everywhere i go i wear a shirt that says STAFF on the back
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.