@JT_IV_

Mario and Luigi fight to the death, in “The Plunger Games”.

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@batkaren

Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.

@sugabelly

I think parents are incredibly selfish and rude for having additional children without first consulting their existing child. 😒

@KyleMcDowell86

[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]

@EndhooS

I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*

@Carbosly

Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.

@robfee

Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!

@DirtyySouthMess

[To police.]

“I want to press charges on my co-worker Steve.”

“What’d he do?”

“Warmed up fish in the office microwave.”

“…Cuff him.”

@TheTweetOfGod

The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.

@themiltron

[first day as a coroner]
me: he died at 11:42AM
detective: are you positive
me: it’s hard with all this death but i’m hanging in there

@JoshontheGo

I’m at my most “penguin”, when I’m walking to get more toilet paper with my shorts around my ankles.