Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
Mario and Luigi fight to the death, in “The Plunger Games”.
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I think parents are incredibly selfish and rude for having additional children without first consulting their existing child. 😒
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
“I want to press charges on my co-worker Steve.”
“What’d he do?”
“Warmed up fish in the office microwave.”
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
[first day as a coroner]
me: he died at 11:42AM
detective: are you positive
me: it’s hard with all this death but i’m hanging in there
I’m at my most “penguin”, when I’m walking to get more toilet paper with my shorts around my ankles.