Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
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˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
Person: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Lunch and dinner: We’re standing right here!
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.