Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
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when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
My child said she wanted to be like me so she put my glasses on top of her head and walked around saying “where are my glasses?!” I feel attacked
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Hell yes I am good at counterfeiting. How many $36 dollar bills do you want?
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
I see no reason these two should not be wed, but I do like to make things about me.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon