Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.

Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.

doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow

me: [devastated] what’s the good news

doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long

Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?

Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi

Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh

Bad: at 4 AM.

I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.

I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.

If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.

Therapist: You’re not really improving

Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?

Therapist:

Me:

Therapist: well it’s worth a try

My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.

Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.

When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie

When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD

*seasons greetings*

*eats greetings*

Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.

Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.

I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.

I’m not sentimental.

I’m just sick of tripping over them.

Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.

Now you’re ready to have kids.

when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready

Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.

ME: *posing nude for a painter*

GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.

If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.

so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha

ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.

Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing

I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.

Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets

My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?

My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.