Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.

Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.

When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”

Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.

Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.

My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.

Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.

Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?

Me: Yes of course I…oh no

Half sister: what

My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.

the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet

I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.

[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.

Has science gone too far?

My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.

Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?

Me: Yeah! Slept.

Husband: Correct, good night.

Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?

There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.

[in a steel doomsday bunker]

FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.

ME: No!

[something strikes the side of our bunker]

So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea

My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.

I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.

Every work meeting this week

My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”

I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.

Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.

The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.

You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…

[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?

Me: Yeah

*bird screaching*

Girl: I said condom not condor

Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.

Girl:

Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory

If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.