Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PSA:

Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends

“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now

The smoothest fall of all time

I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now

a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?

The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.

There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.

Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle

” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”

Me if I was on the Titanic.

Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”

If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.

When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.

People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:

1. Colonialists
2. Sisters

“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”

*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*

america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky

You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck

At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit

One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”

I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator

Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t

Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?

Family: You never call anymore.

Me: I’m calling now?

Fam: Now’s not a good time.

Me: When should I call?

Fam: Anytime.

I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.

Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game

Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.

People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.

I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.

The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade

[halloween]

ME: nice costume. casanova?

HIM: guy fawkes

ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does

*mops up wine with cat*

*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*

*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*

i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community