Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart

Me: it’s pandamonium!

Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]

The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.

We often get asked if we take money to promote products. Absolutely not, we always say no as that would stain our reputation. The kind of stain only Persil non bio could get out, even at low temperatures.

I was at the Doctors office and he said the nurse was coming to give me a shot. I said, ” can my day get any worse?” Dr said to relax and as he walked out he said, ” and prostate exam today too’

Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!

Me:

Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”

I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”

Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley

wife: where are the beans?

me: i made phones with the cans.

wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?

small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.

“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”

– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out

Today seems like as good a day as any to start drinking some of these 99 beers on the wall

[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*

I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.

My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.

Them: are you busy right now

Me: (just laid down) yes

When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”

Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal

Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.

No, Autocorrect ….

the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –

though she can be devilish at times.

[ funeral ]

me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands

her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping

Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours

Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.

I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.

I like my coffee like I like my men

Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away

Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.

I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.

[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private

me: father’s day means so much to us single dads

wife: uhhh…we’re married

me: right, but I’m the only dad

Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.

“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”

For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.