Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
So glad we cleared that up
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Y’all know who you are.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.