Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.

Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.

ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own

FRIEND: that sucks

ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work

[Games store]

ME: Do you sell chess sets?

SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.

I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar

BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?

RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.

#LochteGate

Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.

The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos

The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.

Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.

Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*

Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember

Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night

I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.

Wife gets so many weird docs from doctors and insurance companies.
One is notorious for “click here to get emailed for password good for five minutes” password sent next day

78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.

went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw

cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself

RIDDLER: riddle me this

TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*

My apartment is a mess, I should move

My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother

honk shuah. sleep on that thang

I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.

As long as that distance is 300 miles.

mr. rogers: can you get me a pack of camels

amelia bedelia: *comes back with a caravan*

I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?

You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.

how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05

how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15

*gets filled with hope*

Hope: *has a leak*

boss: where have you been for the past seven days

me: in bed

boss: but i said sleep was for the weak

Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say