Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?

Me: Wait til after dinner

Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!

😂🤣😂🤣

well well well if it isn’t the bridge I said i’d cross when I came to it

Flowers bee like

Friend: any plans for the fall?

Me: do you meant autumn or civilization?

My husband ordered takeout tonight from a place that previously ignored his note about pickles so he tried to make it stand out.

lmaaaaaooooooooo

“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it

Note to self: I am a note

if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.

When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’

I’m prepared for anything.

Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.

Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.

If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.

gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting

Me :

All Day At Night

Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.

GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!

ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.

[Victora’s Secret]

Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?

What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?

Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.

Dog: *wags tail*

Me: oh you’re good.

7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch

me: that’s wonderful

7: except the things I don’t like

me: there it is.

My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.

*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*

[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*

*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.

my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*

when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions

when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway

If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.

Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.