Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?

Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]

Wife: STOP THAT

Me: Why?

Wife: It’s like…

Me: It’s like what

Wife: It’s definitely like something

Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.

me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today

platter of various cheeses:

Most women need a little reassurance.

Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.

Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.

The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.

I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face

My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.

Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…

“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.

I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”

You had ONE job!

– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.

Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.

When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”

love it when they get my name right

COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.

ME: no hurry.

me: you’re brothers?

mario: that’s-a right!

me: which explains why you dress the same

luigi: that’s-a right!

me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?

mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is

I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.

I could win awards for having a bad memory.

In fact, I probably did. How would I know.

God: you run really fast.

Horse: sweet.

God: people ride you in circles for sport.

Horse: kindof weird but ok

God: also don’t break a leg.

Horse: why?

God:

Horse: God? why?

Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.

I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.

I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.

Women,

If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.

Sincerely,
Men

I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?

Worth remembering.

This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety

Working at any office is like “Ok we’re transitioning to Salarya, but payroll is still in Bullfrog—did you see my Noosecock post? Submit your timecard on Fireplayce then jizz me on Smackdog . Do NOT upload to Crackerz without Yammer approval

My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.