mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
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The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
☺️
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
There’s a kid who we used to have round occasionally who is no longer welcome. Pathological liar and scheming little bully. Constantly involved in fights at school but none are ever his fault. He’s gonna end up in jail, hospital, Prime Minister or CEO of a big4 consulting firm
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Never buy trail mix without dried fruit or chocolate. That would be totally nuts!
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.