Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
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If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
I don’t want to intimidate you, but I learned all my fighting skills from Hong Kong Phooey.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.