Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
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Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
the ultimate problem with the coyote’s approach is that he gives up on each method after a single failed attempt. some of the greatest achievements take many, many tries to succeed. the acme company makes fine, reliable products. the coyote must learn the virtue of persistence
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
[poorly lit restaurant]
me: I can’t see the menu
wife: just ask the waiter to bring some candles
me: no I want food
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.