Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.

Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.

Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?

The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png

Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.

If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.

After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.

Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.

A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.

Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?

Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome

Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying

Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home

I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.

never forget

I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself

Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough

I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.

ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*

SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment

Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?

Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*

“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”

-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-

ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”

Ugh. Still no word from Disney about my RATATOUILLE sequel, where Remy the rat finds himself controlled by an even smaller creature. I was hoping to sell FLEA MIGNON by the end of May.

Someone once threw some herbs in my eyes. It didn’t blind me but I’m now parsley sighted.

You heard.

Me: Cute baby, when was she born?

New mother: Yesterday.

Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.

Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]

James Potter: push down and then pull back

Voldemort: I am [still struggling]

Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it

Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10

ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff

Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)

1 kid: Makes you a mom.

2 kids: Makes you a maid.

3 kids: Makes you a manager.

4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.

[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]

*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time

*walks up to cashier with paper towels*

Are these the largest tampons you have?

The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.