Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF

I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.

Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*

Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.

my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed

[sees hot girl in bar]

me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?

her: give me back my ring

Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.

I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.

My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them

So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”

*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*

Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport

“How do you do, fellow birds?”

*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”

Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*

I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.

I’ll see myself out.

[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]

Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.

You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.

ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.

Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?

BF: just turn it around.

never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again

Him: I missed you

Me: I missed you too

*we both reload our duelling pistols*

I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.

I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.

[getting pulled over]

me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?

cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive

me: oh I’m sorry

cop: I’ll let you off with a warning

me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*

cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE

Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.

I promise to sing for you.

Then you can decide what’s worse.

Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.

It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.

As a doctor, I can confirm