Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

DATING: Goodnight

ENGAGED: Sweet dreams

MARRIED: Is the car locked?

If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.

Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.

Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.

i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me

*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*

You’re free now

(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not

HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .

When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.

My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.

If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.

Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.

hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep

I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.

Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking

[me while painting nails]: Obvi

Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails

What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?

🖤✌🏽

@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.

If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.

I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?

me: well, you know, change is inedible

her: i think you mean inevitable

me: *spitting out several nickels* nope

My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.

I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel

If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.

I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.

It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?

I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.

My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape