Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over š
P: can’t. Kidnapped š
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
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Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when theyāre out front and freak them out.
ā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļø
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
ļæ¼The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because Iām used to having my patience tested.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why donāt we make a little guy about it
I have so many questions.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
My 5-year-old just muttered āTime for plan L.ā
I donāt know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like heās having a worse day than me
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say ānever sinkā know that anchors are made to sink?
Check out the legs on this baby
reply and iāll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
The fact that āhead and shouldersā doesnāt have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
iāve decided to detach from being non-materialistic