@SortaBad

Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over ūüėČ
P: can’t. Kidnapped ūüôĀ
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k

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@BoogTweets

Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.

Me: so was this pie

@markleggett

What if birds have tiny human-like ears underneath their feathers? That’s certainly something to think about, but not during sex.

@BadMikeyBad

Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?

Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.

@ItsAndyRyan

‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.

@GrantTanaka

[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm

@iAmDelFreaky

“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”

~ The person that is wrong

@mydmac

I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.

@ElizaBayne

If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now

@someonesmomma

Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?

~people

@StephenAtHome

If you’re doing nothing wrong, you have nothing to hide from the giant surveillance apparatus the government’s been hiding.