Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
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What if birds have tiny human-like ears underneath their feathers? That’s certainly something to think about, but not during sex.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
If you’re doing nothing wrong, you have nothing to hide from the giant surveillance apparatus the government’s been hiding.