Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

murderer: *stabbing me*

me: 🙂

murderer: doesn’t it hurt?

me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)

[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue

I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced

[i get pulled over]

cop: have you been out drinking?

me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times

I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.

I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?

I decided against all those options and took the ticket.

As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.

It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.

“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers

The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.

Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.

Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.

You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.

*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”

At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?

never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this

You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.

Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.

I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.

Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.

I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.

me at 20: i’ll do anything.

me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.

I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser

Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious

Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.

I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.

I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.

The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.

[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11

mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years

My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.