mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
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the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
The way that we’re constantly told not to eat silica gel makes me suspect that it contains all the world’s forbidden knowledge.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
[gym]
Personal Trainer: (looking at my workout journal) You were supposed to record the weight you lifted, not how the workouts made you feel.
Me: oh
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.