Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.

My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.

Seat cushions are the original stool softeners

[inventing the boomerang]

OH SHIT, IT’S BACK

friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid

me: wow, that’s hardcore

My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada

If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.

Me: [print]
Printer: I have to do maintenance.
Me: What? Now?
Printer: Shhh.
Me: Can you hurry up?
Printer: Alignment is a process.
Me: OMG just print my page.
Printer: I’ll print a test page.
Me: [pressing “cancel” button]
Printer:
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re out of magenta.

Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19

My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.

I’m trying to write.

My wife is pounding with a hammer in the garage.

I’m trying to write.

The dog is barking at the hammer noise.

I’m trying to write.

Kids next door are playing football and screaming “Omaha! Omaha!”, apparently their next big play.

…I’m trying to write.

If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.

If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem

And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar

Is my life this bad because I didn’t forward that email to 15 people back in 2007?

“I really can’t stay“

Baby, it’s cold outside

“My Uber’s on its way”

Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride

surfer priest: so, like, jesus & his bros were at dinner one night & he stood up & said, “the one who doesn’t order the fish tacos is gonna, like, totally betray me,” & his bros were all, like, “no waaay, we wouldn’t do that,” & judas was, like, “i’m sooo sick of fish tacos.”

My hair dryer is so powerful that it doubles as my leaf blower.

*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?

~How my send button should function

ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*

[Before the ten commandments were handed down]

Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?

Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea

[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.

Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b

Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes

Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?

Me: *laughing*

1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”

*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.

[introducing a girl to my parents]

“These are the roommates I was telling you about”

At George Orwell’s grave yesterday an American lady asked us how, if he died in 1940 (not the worst bit of this story), did he write a book in 1984…

I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.

A table tale✨

#TheRingsOfPower