Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
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inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
screw you
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
Inside me, there are two wolves and neither one of them knows what to make for dinner.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Hansel and Gretel is my favourite childhood story about cooking an old lady in an oven
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.