Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
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i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
I’m not saying I’m mad at you, but I hope someone breaks into your house tonight, toasts all your bread and then puts it all back in the bag
When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year
Beautiful woman who approaches my friend: Hey! You’re the father of one of my kids
Friend: Listen I got a good life, we both agreed it was a one time thin-
Woman: I’m his English teacher
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
how to exercise your calf muscles
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”