Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
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Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Friday
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Moving tip: don’t learn how to read
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
we’re dead?
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour