Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
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I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)