Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait

A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.

Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters

Friends are people you don’t need to explain your jokes to, family are people you apologise to for your jokes.

My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.

He’s 21 and home for the summer.

It doesn’t get better.

Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.

My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.

Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned

me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.

No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.

Message from the dog groomers

ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass

HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?

Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room

I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.

I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.

My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.

Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.

Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?

I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”

She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.

[first time paying taxes]

me: how much do I owe?

irs: 🙂

me: am I supposed to guess?

irs: :)))

me: what if I guess wrong?

irs: :))))))))))))))))))

If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.

I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating

Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.

Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠

Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”

Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”

Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”

Reset password

‘SevenDays’

Your password is week

Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”

Me: “ok”

Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”

Cats are still liquid.

My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.