Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.

The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.

What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up

Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.

Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.

If you’re hungry, you can say “I’d kill for a doughnut,” and it’s fine. But any other crime sounds suspicious.

“I’d commit insider trading for a cruller right now.”

“Oh man, I’d totally burn down a warehouse for a bear claw.”

“Give me a jelly filled or I’ll shiv you.”

There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.

i saw someone a few weeks ago say “if brain eating bacteria got into your head it would starve” and i’ve been saying it to people since. just incredible. a really great insult

Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth

Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.

*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”

There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for life

So anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.

*me, at high school prom

Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?

Dear Britain,

This Brexit vote is all wrong

If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.

Sincerely,

America

If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.

this chia pet tastes awful

No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them

Me: have a great eye for detail

Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who

My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁

Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”

°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me

“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”

[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]

We avoided this particular disaster

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1544321948511080456/pu/vid/720x1280/9Ms1n1id_PV0jE0K.mp4?tag=12

I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.

guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name

me: time for some laundry 🙂

laundry machine: ok 🙂

me: ok time to dry 🙂

dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets

ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*

Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,

“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”

Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning