Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.

LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.

DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?

Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.

[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad

I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…

People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…

the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with

[first day as a cop]

me: i found the body

other officer: any id?

me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner

I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince

Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.

Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.

She is very cute, has great energy! 😂

me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie

grim reaper: no

*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…

Them: it’s a fool’s errand
Me: then I’m the man for the job

A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.

ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say

Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track

WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway

SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect

My rap name is When i$ Lunch

Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.

My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.

My parents just called.

M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.

ME: You should watch it from the beginning?

M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.

ME: Okay.

M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?

Inventor of the toaster:

How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?

my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman

Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside

Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.

You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.

my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods

Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”