Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
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Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad