Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
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“Did you read the fine print?”
Me: I didn’t even read the large print
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
Whoops
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.