Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
my dad when a sex scene comes on
Blocking someone isn’t enough. I want their ibuprofen to always be on the highest shelf, and just out of reach.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Here’s a meme
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
What do you call a laughing motorcycle?
Yamahahahahahahahahaha
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
