“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
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Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.