“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
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[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
A little boy just said thank you after taking a sweet and then wished me a very enthusiastic merry Christmas
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
🤯🤯🤯
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
My manifesto is mostly just pizza topping ideas.
Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
We’re all still reeling from the events yesterday. Here’s what we know:
-I got an everything bagel w/ chive cream cheese at 10:30am
-I went to the park at 10:39
-I put my bagel down to take a pic of a squirrel I think I’ve met before
-Bagel went missing at 10:40More info soon.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Getting left on read really gives me perspective on what Nigerian princes go through
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda