“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
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Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
paramedic: [shining light into my eyes] what’s the last thing you remember
me: the question you just asked
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
My hair dryer is so powerful that it doubles as my leaf blower.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”