“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
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NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end