@xor

“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”

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@Dustinkcouch

santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations

elf: *holding only a hammer* how

@TwiCarlyGleeber

Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”

@theshamingofjay

Whenever I see an account with a persons full name I always check to see if they’re famous or stupid

@_salt_n_lime

I think I’ll start posting my tweets on Facebook so my friends and family will all finally block me.

@daemonic3

date: this is my first time at a french restaurant

me: i feel like i’ve been here once before

date: are you having deja vu?

me: no i’m having the chicken

@monks_19

If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?

@sgrstk

I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.

@BoscoPorter

You guys ever try boiled pasta? It’s not as crunchy but it’s alright

@WhaJoTalkinBout

If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.

@Mom_Overboard

Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?

It’s a hole series.