santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
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Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
Whenever I see an account with a persons full name I always check to see if they’re famous or stupid
I think I’ll start posting my tweets on Facebook so my friends and family will all finally block me.
date: this is my first time at a french restaurant
me: i feel like i’ve been here once before
date: are you having deja vu?
me: no i’m having the chicken
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
You guys ever try boiled pasta? It’s not as crunchy but it’s alright
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.