“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
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In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Sounds like a bargain
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Explaining hardcore to my sister:
“Some bands yell their own name in the song and it goes SO HARD.”
My sister: “Like, ‘Shakira, Shakira?'”
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..