Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illness

And the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”

Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”

Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌

Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great

MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME

handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.

clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.

me: same as him.

clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.

My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.

Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.

[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”

-Steve Harvey M.D.

When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster

When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”

*after sex

No, you cannot sleep over.

Husband:

Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.

[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*

Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.

Get it together, toddlers.

[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe

So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”

satan: welcome to hell

me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?

s: yup all you can read!

m: wow!

s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?

me, nervously: yes..why?

*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*

m: aw hell

Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?

Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.

i said it’s my favorite movie, i didn’t say it was good

My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.

Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”

When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?

We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.

Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”

Be kind. You never know who has been asked to make four different kinds of potato dishes for each member of their family

I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think

How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?

Men: 58

Women: 1

I like to scan my backyard every hour with a high power flashlight to let my neighbors know I won’t tolerate any weirdness around here