Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…

.. Except at my house.

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[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap


I need some sugar. Not the stupid kind that gives you mono, but the good kind that gives you diabetes.


“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.



If a man approaches you and he’s wearing Crocs, hold perfectly still.

Their vision is based off movement.


Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done


me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith


I embrace aging gracefully

And bitterly

With good humor

And rage


tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home


Him: You seem super chill.

Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.


Why don’t those badass UFC guys use their fighting skills to defend themselves against terrible tattoo artists?