Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
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None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Wasps: bees, but not helping
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.