@Cravin4

Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…

.. Except at my house.

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@EndhooS

[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap

@eliserose5

I need some sugar. Not the stupid kind that gives you mono, but the good kind that gives you diabetes.

@BuckyIsotope

“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.

@aPunch2theJunk

Ladies:

If a man approaches you and he’s wearing Crocs, hold perfectly still.

Their vision is based off movement.

@bacon_gillepic

Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done

@ghostkrogh

me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith

@mydmac

I embrace aging gracefully

And bitterly

With good humor

And rage

@tombrodude

tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home

@nayele18maybe

Him: You seem super chill.

Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.

@Tmoney68

Why don’t those badass UFC guys use their fighting skills to defend themselves against terrible tattoo artists?