Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Two things I have learned at the beach:

1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet

2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.

Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –

Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…

Me: yeah

The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.

[broken down by the side of the road]

ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.

If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers

Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.

Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.

Batman: what’s your power

Superman: *removes glasses*

Batman: woah where’d the nerd go

TWITTER: Do you want to see this?

ME: No, never

TWITTER: Ok

ME: Good

TWITTER: You will see this less often

Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.

Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t

Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!

Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium

Me: 0mg

teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring

“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.

Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]

WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.

At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.

Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.

don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo

I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.

me: we need to go to the ATM machine

thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot

me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine

[First date]

Him: I love murder mysteries.

Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.

4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare

me: me too. what was yours?

4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?

me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep

4: you know nightmares aren’t real?

me: yeah, I do

I asked my kid what they actually do during a half day at school. He said “I don’t know, but we eat lunch early and there is less time for Nico to pee on the floor”

So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.

People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?

If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.

[spelling bee]

Teacher: your word is forwards

Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one