Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
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Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
Sometimes, I have to remind myself that just because my 13yo is much taller than me doesn’t mean he’s in charge.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
The dark side of Canada
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.