Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.

I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.

choose your fighter

divorce is so weird why do I have an ex-aunt

jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget

The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before

If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.

Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?

Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber

C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.

The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.

Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.

Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.

Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?

Sometimes I’m right.

Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.

What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one

Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.

*see Shawshank on TV guide*

Wife: Don’t do it

*picks up remote*

W: I said don’t do it

*turns TV to Shawshank*

W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES

Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.

fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt

me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*

fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you

Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.

The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.

Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beer

The keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup

The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.

Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.

Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.

Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.

Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”

Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”

Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”

“soooo little update I’m kinda seeing someone..” — me to my psychiatrist about the tall shadowy figure in a bowler hat in the corner of my room

[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM

An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.

My five year plan is a meteorite

My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us

Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were