[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
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Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.