Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
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Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
How did they get kids to pose for oil paintings mine won’t sit still for 4 seconds for a family photo
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the lightsaber at home tomorrow
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
Word!
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY