Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
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It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
#SCOTUS one-star review
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Woman on the mom forum wants to start a weekly play date club (good idea!) and another woman chimed in:
“Is it so you can steal information about women’s husbands so you can cheat with them, like how you cheated with mine?”
And now my Sunday just got MUCH more interesting!
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
Me to the bartender: When you asked me if I wouldn’t mind some head I thought you meant…