Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.

Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?

Me: *never blinks again*

crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged

My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from

[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.

The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.

I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.

The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.

guy: man this water is warm

extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh

Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild

I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.

Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.

My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”

Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.

TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.

Me when my alarm goes off

KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait

A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.

Your secret is safeish with me

[INTERVIEW]

HR: What are your strengths?

Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*

HR: Wow-Weaknesses?

Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*

I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something

🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today

if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel

The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.

We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.

[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay

Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok

[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf

evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…

Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.