Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *having prostate examination*

doc: omg, when was this last wiped?

me: WHAT

doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady

Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious

(Auditioning to be a bird)

*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*

DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.

Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???

Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.

What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?

A parsnip.

Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula

I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.

Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look

*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password

Me: I just heard a noise

WebMD: Cancer

Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy

If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…

1995: …leave it, toilets are gross

Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW

Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.

I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!

BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.

Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.

My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.

Police officer: please step out of your vehicle

me: after this song, hold on

Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”

Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE

I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”

Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?

Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.

[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”

I have a type: disappointing

Squirrel having fun.. 😅

5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.

5:22am: Oh good.