Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.

Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.

[my first day as a bank teller]

guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal

me: i’ll need to see some ID sir

guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID

me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?

guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery

me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?

gf: we can’t have another pet

me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots

‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of

[God creating bees]

GOD: make some of them fuzzy

ANGEL: thats good

G: make them sting

A: okay

G: and let’s give them teeth!

A: too far

ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway

ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts

I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.

Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.

Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…

Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”

Me: “Errr. Sure?”

*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*

I embrace aging gracefully

And bitterly

With good humor

And rage

*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?

God: check this out

Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do

God: I made parking cost $10

Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.

Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”

Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”

My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.

watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed

I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.

I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.

Cashier: Hello

Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..

Cashier:…

Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.

If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.

Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels

Barney: I love you, you love me

Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing

For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…

[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man

[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?

To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice

I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.

do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus

My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms