-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
You Might Also Like
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea