Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon

When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.

When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.

Fine.

I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.

[Being Tortured]

Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?

Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee

Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant

Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.

If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.

i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside

mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights

also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼

[lights go out]

going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”

I’m not sure why this works, but it does. LMAO

Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.

“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”

-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side

Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”

dream jobs:

• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village

*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*

If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv

This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands

[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]

“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”

*covers it with towel*

“ok now it’s safe”

I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone

There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.

Me: *standing on the subway platform*

Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”

6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!

The evidence to the contrary:

[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*

ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”

DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”

[eats all your cotton candy]

I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.

I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant

Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.