Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
You Might Also Like
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Anyone else just agree with people sometimes so they’ll stop talking?
Wait… Why is everyone nodding their heads?
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Do you look ludicrous in tight, illuminous clothing? Or enjoy paying a fortune to tear ligaments? What about going fast and stopping by slamming your face against a tree? You do? Then why not book a skiing holiday?
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.