@philyuck

mark, my words. *mark brings me a dictionary* thanks mark

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@Shade510

Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.

@TheToddWilliams

ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No

@sacca

Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.

@mostlysharks

me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now

american friend: that’s not a real candy

me: or some yowie bungas

american: what

me: dropbear gobstoppers

american: no

me: cassowary chewies

american: please stop

me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders

@ArfMeasures

DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.

ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?

@_GoldieLox

STOP PUTTING SIRENS IN MUSIC FOR PETE’S SAKE! I let my hair down & undid two buttons before i realized i wasn’t getting pulled over!

@electroskippy

[installing program]
Operation Status: 1 min left
Me: Yes! Finally!

*30 minutes later*

Operation Status: 60 mins left
Me: Wait. What?

@Xoolun

My wife said she wants to be treated like gold on her birthday.

Apparently, locking her in the safe wasn’t what she had in mind.