Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
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Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …