Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
mark, my words. *mark brings me a dictionary* thanks mark
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ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
me: dropbear gobstoppers
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
STOP PUTTING SIRENS IN MUSIC FOR PETE’S SAKE! I let my hair down & undid two buttons before i realized i wasn’t getting pulled over!
Operation Status: 1 min left
Me: Yes! Finally!
*30 minutes later*
Operation Status: 60 mins left
Me: Wait. What?
My wife said she wants to be treated like gold on her birthday.
Apparently, locking her in the safe wasn’t what she had in mind.